Selena Gomez’s first solo album Stars Dance is streaming on iTunes, and it’s all dance beats and a little bit of oh-well heartbreak! When Selena’s BFF Taytay puts out a new album, the big question is “What guy is each song about?” With Stars Dance, the question you should be asking yourself is, “IS THIS SONG ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER OR IS IT NOT?”
1. “Birthday”
Selena’s first “adult” album kicks off with super-fun and catchy “Birthday.” The sparse drum beats and the chanting are reminiscent of Gwen Stefani’s “LAMB,” in a way that will only get annoying after the radio plays it out. “Blow your dreams / blow your dreams / blow your dreams away with me” is a pretty weird lyric, but the chorus is the weirdest and greatest Selena’s ever done: “Tell em that it’s my birthday / tell em that it’s my birthday / tell em that it’s my birthday/ when I party like that. JAZZ IT UP, JAZZ IT UP!”
Is this song about Justin Bieber? Not at all.
2. “Slow Down”
“Slow Down,” which has already been released as Selena’s second single, is an adequate-but-forgettable Cataracs track with a beat that nightclubs in Miami to Seaside Heights to Cancun are probs going to play all summer. The only thing that separates it from the faceless EDM masses? Selena cooing, “You know I’m good with mouth to mouth resuscitation” in a way that’s almost believable. A total whatever.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? No, just a faceless rando.
POPDUST SAYS: 1.5/5
3. “Stars Dance”
Selena is def feeling herself (“I can make the stars dance, light up the moon / I can make the stars dance, if you want me to”) over the trippy orchestra-dubstep beat of Stars Dance‘s title track. This is Selena at her most confident and carefree: It’s slinky and sexy and it isn’t all that bad.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? Indirectly. Mostly Selena is talking about herself, probably to piss JB off.
POPDUST SAYS: 3.5/5
4. “Like a Champion”
Selena sings in a Bajan accent over this reggae-laden banger, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence, especially in a song where she crows, “We got nothing to lose, we got nothing to prove / Shine bright like diamonds in the sky.” This could also just be another song written for Fenty that she didn’t want, but I would be happy to start a rumor that this song is an homage to Rihanna. That would be fun. It really can’t be about Justin. He doesn’t walk like a champion.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? It’s 100% about Rihanna.
POPDUST SAYS: 3.0/5
5. “Come & Get It”
“I love you much too / Much to hide you / This love ain’t finished yet / So baby whenever you’re ready / When you’re ready come and get it”
I feel like at this point, Justin isn’t gonna come back to get it, because he’s probably too intimidated by Seli’s current stage of absolute hotness. But who knows? Child stars have big egos. This song has grown on me since the single first leaked months ago, but after hearing those Rihanna rumors all it sounds like is a song that Rihanna was supposed to sing that she isn’t singing. Those “Na, na na na”s are killer, though.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? Yeah, I guess.
POPDUST SAYS: 2.5/5
6. “Forget Forever”
We were first introduced to this song as “Rule the World,” but “Forget Forever” is a better fit for the song’s feel; Selena thought her relationship was going to last forever—until it didn’t. This is a bummer. Well, it’s a bummer for a little while, until the song goes into a dance break with huge victorious chords. Sel sings the title over and over again until Justin and his little red sweatpants are thrown into oblivion.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? Yep, definitely.
POPDUST SAYS: 3.0/5
7. “Save the Day”
Throughout these reviews, we’ve tried to figure out whether or not each song on Stars Dance is about Justin Bieber. We can confidently state that this song is about anybody but the Biebz. The whole point of this song is to not be about the Biebz. This song is about whoever you are hooking up with at a nightclub. And it’s so boring and vapid I can’t even handle it.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? No, no, no.
POPDUST SAYS: 1.5/5
8. “B.E.A.T.”
Honestly, Stars Dance feels like Hollywood Records set out to make a 2013 version of a Britney Spears dance album, and Selena Gomez was the perfect technically-adept cipher for the job. “B.E.A.T.” is the perfect example; it’s infectious and definitely racier than usual for Selena (the chorus:“It’s a big bad world but I’m not ashamed / I like the lights in my hand and the beat in my face”) and it reminds me of 2004 “In the Zone” Britney. Justin Bieber must be crying right now, ‘cause this album is so fun and all Selena says she wants to do is feel the beat on her face. Yikes.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? No, it’s about the beat. Duh.
POPDUST SAYS: 4.0/5
9. “Write Your Name”
“Take my arm / Take my head / Make your mark / Like a man / Write your name”
Selena’s “Man the eff up” song is pretty solid for the club—it’s the kind of thing DJ Paris Hilton would play. Gomez has a voice that is perfect for pop stardum– pliant yet fairly vacant, and recognizable enough. Plus she has great hair. This song is a bit of a bore compared to the album’s other dance tracks, but it’s perfectly fine mid-set filler.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? Obviously.
POPDUST SAYS: 2.0/5
10. “Undercover”
“I look at you and just disappear / I got a craving for you baby, can we get out of here? / You’re a sexy machine, you’re a Hollywood dream / And you got me feelin’ like a homecoming queen”
Is there anyone less of a “Hollywood dream” than Justin Bieber? Vom. But “Undercover” is sleek and exciting; if you don’t think about the Bieber, it’s pretty catchy, with a seamless layer of autotune that makes the“oohs” and “ahhs” sound flawless. There’s something missing, though. This song is all about secret lovers’ rendezvous and stuff, and Selena lacks the maturity to really deliver this song in its full sexiness.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? Unfortunately, yes.
POPDUST SAYS: 3.0/5
11. “Love Will Remember”
Thank G that the album version of “Love Will Remember” does not include Justin’s voicemail because that shit was creepy and why does an 18 year old talk like that? This song is the most personal song on the album and, coincidentally it’s the only track that isn’t for dancing. If Selena’s singing voice showed any semblance of true pain and heartbreak I would be a little more sympathetic towards her and Justin’s breakup but I don’t, because she seems to be doing just fine.
Is this song about Justin Bieber? Yep, yep, yep.
POPDUST SAYS: 4.5/5
The final statistics:
Number of songs definitely about Bieber: 4
Number of songs definitely not about Bieber: 3
Number of songs that might indirectly be about Bieber: 4
Most fun tracks: “Birthday,” “Like a Champion,” “B.E.A.T.”
Most forgettable tracks: “Slow Down,” “Forget Forever,” “Undercover”
Tracks without dance breaks: None
Ballads: None
Tracks with dubstep: Most